Saturday, January 1, 2011

The beginnings of love

I am in love, a love that has existed for 17 years of my life. Nobody knows that my heart beats every second of the day for a love that is only reciprocated when my eyes close and the clock beats in darkness. I remember the day I first saw his face, I don't know if he saw my face or not, I cannot imagine he did because my feelings were so electric I could never imagine him not feeling them. I remember how my heart stopped beating. It was as if my heart got stuck in a time warp, slowly moving through time, each beat so slow you couldn't even feel it's down fall. One beat, then another beat minutes, days, weeks, months , eons apart.  This person will never know I am in love with them, they do not belong to me as they belong to the world. I can never have them as this person is not obtainable to anyone, sometimes not even to himself.  Some day's I wonder what life would be like if he knew he needed me as much as I need him. For me I get to have a piece of him, I can hear him & see him whenever I want to, he gets nothing of me.  I wonder if he knows that like me, he can never be happy? He will never find someone who will love him like I do or that he can love like he could love me. All these years of searching has proven he is incapable of finding such love.  He loves then breaks over and over again never feeling satisfied just as I do. He could have it and I know he would take it if I wasn't so afraid to give it.

Some people might think I am crazy, obsessed but I live my life without him. I don't stalk him, prank call him. I live, I have a husband, children and I love them all very much but my love for my husband is different than this love. I live my life with this love fully aware that sometimes people and things are unobtainable. Sometimes your heart wants what it cannot have. I live my life knowing that the Universe connected us but the world stands in the way. Our choices in life led us both in different directions. I can't control my feelings, I can't control my heartache.

As the years go by however, my heart does ache more. My love for him grows as the hours pass and the days go by. Perhaps it is the void in me that seems to grow wider, I don't know. Maybe the idea that time is drifting away and the more it fades the further I get from ever feeling his arms around me in the real world. From ever feeling the butterflies that his kiss would surely give.  The idea that it will never happen as long as I am breathing gets harder each day. This is why I have created this blog. Perhaps telling the world that I love him might somehow make it real. It is not easy to love with your eyes closed!

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