Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Void

Adam sent me photographs last night. Beautiful photographs of his new home where he lives his not so new life alone,  again. I see him,  how unhappy he is with his oneness and I am thankful for the family I have. Unlike him, I have people who love me to go home to every night. But at the same time I see that he will not settle for just anyone to fill that void inside of him like I have. Not to say that I have settled completely because I haven't entirely. My husband is a wonderful and amazing man,  an incredibly devoted husband and an absolutely amazing father. When it comes to men I truly do have the pick of the litter and I know all too well how lucky I am to have found him.

But the void is still there , an emptiness that nothing seems to fill no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I am not sure who has it worse. Him for always finding himself alone because of it or me for knowing how to fill the void but it being totally out of my reach to do so. Maybe it would be best not to know how to fill it? I don't know, all I know is that I do hurt for him and every time I hurt for him I hurt ten times worse. I WANT him to be happy, I want him to find someone to spend his life with. He goes from woman to woman as he has for the past 16 years, falling in love then it all falls apart because the relationships do not fill him up. I cannot imagine what he must feel like as a person to keep hurting those who love him. I know it sounds like he is some kind of womanizer the way I say it but that isn't true, I just don't know how to explain. He honestly does give everything he can to the women in his life, his heart and soul.

I can't explain to you the void or what it feels like, I can just tell you that the void is a completely separate entity from the heart and the soul. Perhaps it is something that connects the two?  It is there though, in all its glory shouting, pounding and tormenting it's way through our lives. It is like a coin spinning through the air in slow motion, someone has called heads and are hoping it lands the right side up so they can win whatever they are playing for. Will the coin land on it's head , tail or will it hit the ground with such force it rolls off never to be found again? Everything that coin does up in the air is the void. The only thing that can fill it is landing on heads and the only way to do that is to spin the right way through the void.  For us, heads is no where in sight, I have landed on tails (still on some sort of course) and any second now he is going to roll away.  The only way we will ever have a chance at filling our void is if someone tosses another coin!

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