Thursday, January 13, 2011

My husband

I look at my husband  and I wonder how he can tolerate me. I am so moody and so emotional. I know he wonders why I am like I am but he can never know as not only would I not want to look like a total fool but I wouldn't want to break his heart. You see, I do love him, this man who I have made a life with. When I first met him I can honestly say that I was in fact in love with him, I can tell you the in love part is no longer true. I think back then when we met I was in need of someone to love me because I was tired of loving someone who didn't. I loved him so much for loving me as he did. We were inseparable and he was so wonderful. It was easy to live the life we lived together because he treated me like I was the only person on earth and I tried with all of my being to do the same.  I was good at loving him and taking care of him but then I got pregnant. Sometime after that we kind of moved away from one another. We still live in a world miles away and that is why it is so hard to forget Adam. I love Adam so much after all these years but I cannot stand the sight of the man I had children with any more. How is this possible? How can I love someone I barely know more than I love someone I chose to have a real life with? Each day my "husband" says an unkind word or hurts me in some way , which he does often I want to run into Adam's arms and beg him to give me a chance. The thing that keeps me here are my children. I love them more than anything you can ever imagine, they make me the person I am outside this world of "love" and chaos. I am a great mom, a kind of old fashioned mother. I cook all of their meals from scratch, clean, read them bedtime stories, we play board games and I give them lots of hugs. I even home school them because I want them to have the best possible education.  They do not know their mother has this secret love inside of her. I don't want to take from them their father who I know they love and I know loves them so I stay. I cannot tell you that it doesn't make me slightly bitter because it does. But at the same time, I would do anything for my children (2 girls 1 boy) and their love is worth everything to me. I could not ever live without their laughter! I just wish I could give my husband a tiny part of the love I have always had for Adam who I have loved since I was 16 years old. I would give anything for this yearning to go away, life would be so much easier if only it did!

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