Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Music Memory

The Ghost In You lyrics
A man in my shoes runs a light
and all the papers lied tonight
but falling over you
is the news of the day
Angels fall like rain
And love - is all of heaven away
Inside you the times moves
and she don't fade
The ghost in you
She don't fade
Inside you the time moves
and she don't fade
A race is on
I'm on your side
And here in you
my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
Or running away
Stars come down in you
and love - you can't give it away
Don't you go
it makes no sense
when all your talk
and supermen
just take away the time
and get in the way
Ain't it just like rain
And love - is only heaven away
Song by Psychedelic Furs Performed by Counting Crows

The Void

Adam sent me photographs last night. Beautiful photographs of his new home where he lives his not so new life alone,  again. I see him,  how unhappy he is with his oneness and I am thankful for the family I have. Unlike him, I have people who love me to go home to every night. But at the same time I see that he will not settle for just anyone to fill that void inside of him like I have. Not to say that I have settled completely because I haven't entirely. My husband is a wonderful and amazing man,  an incredibly devoted husband and an absolutely amazing father. When it comes to men I truly do have the pick of the litter and I know all too well how lucky I am to have found him.

But the void is still there , an emptiness that nothing seems to fill no matter how hard I try. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I am not sure who has it worse. Him for always finding himself alone because of it or me for knowing how to fill the void but it being totally out of my reach to do so. Maybe it would be best not to know how to fill it? I don't know, all I know is that I do hurt for him and every time I hurt for him I hurt ten times worse. I WANT him to be happy, I want him to find someone to spend his life with. He goes from woman to woman as he has for the past 16 years, falling in love then it all falls apart because the relationships do not fill him up. I cannot imagine what he must feel like as a person to keep hurting those who love him. I know it sounds like he is some kind of womanizer the way I say it but that isn't true, I just don't know how to explain. He honestly does give everything he can to the women in his life, his heart and soul.

I can't explain to you the void or what it feels like, I can just tell you that the void is a completely separate entity from the heart and the soul. Perhaps it is something that connects the two?  It is there though, in all its glory shouting, pounding and tormenting it's way through our lives. It is like a coin spinning through the air in slow motion, someone has called heads and are hoping it lands the right side up so they can win whatever they are playing for. Will the coin land on it's head , tail or will it hit the ground with such force it rolls off never to be found again? Everything that coin does up in the air is the void. The only thing that can fill it is landing on heads and the only way to do that is to spin the right way through the void.  For us, heads is no where in sight, I have landed on tails (still on some sort of course) and any second now he is going to roll away.  The only way we will ever have a chance at filling our void is if someone tosses another coin!

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Torch Club

I cannot help who I am. I can't help the desires of my heart as the heart wants what the heart wants. To some people I am crazy, living outside of reality but to me I am just honest with myself.  So many people go through life making choices holding torches. I am no different from anyone else, I love someone who does not love me back. I am the guy who is still in love with his high-school sweetheart even though he is married, I am the woman who is still in love with her ex husband , a love that did not want to end but had to for some reason or another.  I am anyone who holds some sort of a torch, the only difference between me and them is that I am admitting it. I want to be happy with the choices that I have made, I don't want to be swallowed by them. If opening up and venting about the love inside of me helps me to be content then so be it. I love him, I love all about him and I will ALWAYS love everything about him. If after half a lifetime things have not changed they are never going to no matter how hard I try to make things different. The heart is a stubborn thing but once it it is hit by the lightening that is real love there is no going back. You have been struck down and you will forever bare the mark of it. I have been struck by lightening, the scar is deep, I often times feel pain where the lightening hit. But between the pain and the scars I still have dreams. And when you close your eyes you have no chance in hell of changing the story that plays in your head. There is no remote control and there is no getting up. I am a card carrying member of the Torch club and unfortunately they won't cancel my membership.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The kiss

I dreamt about Adam last night, in that dream, that perfect dream amongst all the chaos going on in the world around us we shared a kiss. One small perfect kiss that lasted only a second even in dream seconds but it was a kiss none the less. And in it's perfection it was so real that I have a hard time not believing that somewhere , somehow through the powers that may or may not be that Adam did not feel the kiss as well. I have been up for 10 hours and I can still feel his lips on mine, lips that I have never in my life touched. Soft, gentle yet slightly itchy from the stubble.  Maybe this is as good of a kiss as I can ever hope for. If so, so it will be forever.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

And then he speaks...

Just when I think I might go the day without wallowing in his vision he says something that gives me a look into his soul and I am thinking again. If only I could herd all of the thoughts out of my head I might live a normal day with a semi normal head and a painless heart. He hurts so much, sometimes I want to slap him into reality so that he will see me for half a second. Maybe it is his pain that keeps me away from him? How can I live up to his past or any of the people in it? In that there are no possibilities! I do know that sometimes I am so scared of his past that I am scared he "couldn't" love me no matter how much he did love me. Does that make any sense?

Thursday, January 13, 2011

My husband

I look at my husband  and I wonder how he can tolerate me. I am so moody and so emotional. I know he wonders why I am like I am but he can never know as not only would I not want to look like a total fool but I wouldn't want to break his heart. You see, I do love him, this man who I have made a life with. When I first met him I can honestly say that I was in fact in love with him, I can tell you the in love part is no longer true. I think back then when we met I was in need of someone to love me because I was tired of loving someone who didn't. I loved him so much for loving me as he did. We were inseparable and he was so wonderful. It was easy to live the life we lived together because he treated me like I was the only person on earth and I tried with all of my being to do the same.  I was good at loving him and taking care of him but then I got pregnant. Sometime after that we kind of moved away from one another. We still live in a world miles away and that is why it is so hard to forget Adam. I love Adam so much after all these years but I cannot stand the sight of the man I had children with any more. How is this possible? How can I love someone I barely know more than I love someone I chose to have a real life with? Each day my "husband" says an unkind word or hurts me in some way , which he does often I want to run into Adam's arms and beg him to give me a chance. The thing that keeps me here are my children. I love them more than anything you can ever imagine, they make me the person I am outside this world of "love" and chaos. I am a great mom, a kind of old fashioned mother. I cook all of their meals from scratch, clean, read them bedtime stories, we play board games and I give them lots of hugs. I even home school them because I want them to have the best possible education.  They do not know their mother has this secret love inside of her. I don't want to take from them their father who I know they love and I know loves them so I stay. I cannot tell you that it doesn't make me slightly bitter because it does. But at the same time, I would do anything for my children (2 girls 1 boy) and their love is worth everything to me. I could not ever live without their laughter! I just wish I could give my husband a tiny part of the love I have always had for Adam who I have loved since I was 16 years old. I would give anything for this yearning to go away, life would be so much easier if only it did!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Something I heard today....

"longing is a far more interesting state to examine than simply love"

Yes but longing in love is the most painful thing a person can endure. I would have a baby a week without drugs if it meant I didn't have to "long" for him.  

Color Blind

I am color...blind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am
taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am...fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If you think you might come to California

When I was a young girl and fresh out of high school I decided I need to leave my hometown and set out on my own.  I decided I would move off to California to the town he was from. I didn't go in hopes to "find" him but went because it was a place I had always wanted to live and I needed drastic change. The fact that he was there was simply a bonus. I had no intentions of looking for him or meeting him, I figured if it were to happen then it would happen by the grace of God otherwise it wasn't meant to be.  Now, 15 years later, I wish I had gone the other route. Found him, told him and moved forward together or on apart. Whatever ended up happening would have happened and put a close to this whole ordeal. I thought I saw him once, I was at the bus station when  I first arrived in town. I turned around and staring out the window which overlooked the city was a man with the same build, the same sense of style, the same hair, stance, etc.... My heart stopped beating as it did the first time I laid eyes on him and butterflies fluttered around in my stomach. I felt so sick I could barely stand up straight. As I begin to walk toward him he turned around and my hope faded. I cannot begin to describe the sadness that came over me. But I spent my time in that town loving life not only loving the idea that at any minute I might turn a corner and bump right into him but loving the idea of being FREE. It was a beautiful time in my life, full of peace, love and hope. I miss those days!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Garden of Eden

Why do we do the things we do as adults? Everything we do we do through the eyes of people who have lost innocence but in the end we are all still innocent as most of our choices are not premeditated.  A teenager falls in love with all of their heart, they fall in love like tomorrow might never come. Each look two young people in love give to each other is as if the entire world exists for only them. Each touch is a new touch, each kiss a new kiss. Every new experience, even those "new" experiences they have done a million times over are done with every fiber of their being. Where does this innocence go? Why does every innocent thing we do as adults have to be warranted as any else?  And why do we have to fear just for the sake of  having a past with fear? I don't want to be afraid of this love but at the same time I wish I didn't feel it. There are days I wake up wishing it could just fade away. I get tired of feeling it, tired of the ache that is inside. I want to feel like the innocence of youth not with the fear of an adult. I want to know him and him to know me. I want to shout it out from the rooftops but fear I am not worthy of shouting. There are days where loving him is like torture and I have to ask myself why God brought him into my life just to torture me.  Why show me something beautiful if I can't touch it?  Just seeing is not enough! I feel like we are Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden tempted by the apple.  God says "hey look at the beautiful perfect fruit which tastes like heaven, well, you can look at it but don't eat it." What does he expect of me? Not even Adam and Eve could follow that rule, they disobeyed and set man into a downward spiral so big man would never recover.  But here I am, being good, living this life I have been dealt. Saying no to that apple, but I am starving and as a starving person how long am I expected to say no? Why doesn't God just remove the tree from my garden or RELENT! From now on, just call us Adam and Eve.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The beginnings of love

I am in love, a love that has existed for 17 years of my life. Nobody knows that my heart beats every second of the day for a love that is only reciprocated when my eyes close and the clock beats in darkness. I remember the day I first saw his face, I don't know if he saw my face or not, I cannot imagine he did because my feelings were so electric I could never imagine him not feeling them. I remember how my heart stopped beating. It was as if my heart got stuck in a time warp, slowly moving through time, each beat so slow you couldn't even feel it's down fall. One beat, then another beat minutes, days, weeks, months , eons apart.  This person will never know I am in love with them, they do not belong to me as they belong to the world. I can never have them as this person is not obtainable to anyone, sometimes not even to himself.  Some day's I wonder what life would be like if he knew he needed me as much as I need him. For me I get to have a piece of him, I can hear him & see him whenever I want to, he gets nothing of me.  I wonder if he knows that like me, he can never be happy? He will never find someone who will love him like I do or that he can love like he could love me. All these years of searching has proven he is incapable of finding such love.  He loves then breaks over and over again never feeling satisfied just as I do. He could have it and I know he would take it if I wasn't so afraid to give it.

Some people might think I am crazy, obsessed but I live my life without him. I don't stalk him, prank call him. I live, I have a husband, children and I love them all very much but my love for my husband is different than this love. I live my life with this love fully aware that sometimes people and things are unobtainable. Sometimes your heart wants what it cannot have. I live my life knowing that the Universe connected us but the world stands in the way. Our choices in life led us both in different directions. I can't control my feelings, I can't control my heartache.

As the years go by however, my heart does ache more. My love for him grows as the hours pass and the days go by. Perhaps it is the void in me that seems to grow wider, I don't know. Maybe the idea that time is drifting away and the more it fades the further I get from ever feeling his arms around me in the real world. From ever feeling the butterflies that his kiss would surely give.  The idea that it will never happen as long as I am breathing gets harder each day. This is why I have created this blog. Perhaps telling the world that I love him might somehow make it real. It is not easy to love with your eyes closed!

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